The 7 Types of Silence in Therapy
- Jordanthecounselor
- Oct 13
- 6 min read
Updated: 7 days ago
I remember when Alyssa Di Bartolomeo, my 2024 therapy coach, told me about the pausing system. I had no idea what she was talking about. But she had been training me in process coding—the scientific method for reviewing clinical recordings—and she had convinced me that learning different systems for reviewing sessions was helpful.
So, the idea of being able to code and read the different types of silence in therapy was interesting.
I then reached out to Heidi Levitt, Ph.D., the researcher who is at the forefront of studying silences and pauses in therapy. She sent me the coding manual.
I was less than impressed. I can’t quite tell you why, only that after reading through the manual, it seemed there wasn’t really anything there. It’s just silence, after all.
So I dropped it and went on with my life.
Until the other day, I was sitting with a mom and daughter. The daughter had said something really emotional and then began to silently cry. I asked the mom for her response. “I’m just giving her space.” Mom said.
“I don’t think she needs space right now. I think she needs you.” I responded.
That’s when it dawned on me. The pausing system had quietly infiltrated my understanding of clients.
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A Breakdown of the 7 Types of Silence in Therapy
According to Heidi Levitt, Ph.D., there are 7 different types of silence in therapy. I’ve also added my thoughts on how therapists should respond to each pause.
1. Reflective Pauses (The Search for Meaning)
Reflective pauses come about when the client is engaged in deep cognitive processing, questioning ideas, making new connections, or developing insights. Cued by words like "because," "I wonder," or "I think," they come in two types.
High Reflective: Exploring significant existential themes or core aspects of self.
Low Reflective: Considering more superficial experiences.
Therapist's Role: Our job in this moment is to simply hold the space. This is productive silence that should not be interrupted.
2. Feeling Pauses (The Emotional Wave)
Feeling pauses are when the client is actively experiencing or moving into an emotional state. Their voice may become shaky or tearful; emotion is palpable even without explicit feeling words.
Therapist's Role: During feeling pauses, we often need to offer support and co-regulation. Use soft verbal and non-verbal cues like "I'm right here with you" or “remember to breathe” to create a safe container for the emotion.
3. Disengaged Pauses (The Avoidant Moment)
Disengaged Pauses are when the client is disconnected from emotion or the other people in the therapy room. These pauses, often followed by a topic change or joke, happen for two main reasons: emotional avoidance or alliance ruptures.
Therapist’s Role: If the client is avoiding an important emotion, it’s often helpful to ask about the emotional shutdown in a tentative way. “Hey, I noticed that as soon as we started talking about your mom, you got really quiet. I wonder, are you maybe shutting off the feelings here?”
However, if the disengagement is due to a rupture, seek to repair it. Usually, this means asking about the client’s feelings and reflecting and validating their experience. Then, ONLY AFTER they have re-engaged, you can talk about problem-solving for the future. A therapist might start this process by saying something like, “I get the sense that I said something that offended you. Is that true? I’d like to hear about it if so. I don’t always get this right.”
4. Interactional Pauses (The Relational Check-In)
These pauses are when the client's focus shifts to the therapist or their perceived reaction. They may be seeking approval, feeling confused, or assessing the safety of the relationship, creating a sense of tension.
Therapist's Role: Usually, this is a bid for the therapist to be more directive, but not always. Sometimes the client is afraid of how the therapist sees them. If this is true, then simply validating the client can be really helpful. A therapist might ask, “you’re looking at me and I assume you have a question? Like maybe you don’t know what to do, or maybe you’re wondering what I’m thinking?”
5. Expressive Pauses (The Search for Words)
Expressive pauses are when the client is searching for the right word or phrase to articulate a thought or feeling. They might stutter or use vague language before finding the precise term.
Therapist's Role: Patience. Allow them the time to find their words. Rushing them can make them feel unheard.
6. Mnemonic Pauses (The Search for Memory)
A straightforward pause for recalling information, often prompted by a direct question. The client may appear inwardly focused as they try to "picture" an event.
Therapist's Role: Wait quietly. This is a simple cognitive task that requires focus.
7. Associational Pauses (The Unexpected Leap)
Associational pauses occur when a new, disconnected idea suddenly emerges, followed by an abrupt shift in topic that doesn't flow logically.
Therapist's Role: Track the process. Note the leap and, if clinically relevant, explore the connection later. "A moment ago we were talking about X, and now we're on Y. Can you help me understand the bridge?" It could be a form of avoidance, but sometimes, clients get distracted. It could also be a symptom of ADHD.
Pauses as a Diagnostic Window
I know this all sounds very complicated. These seven types of silence in therapy give us a high level of precision, but the complexity might be overwhelming. It often boils down to three big ideas:
If a client is silent because they became emotional, offer emotional support (validation, normalization, affirmation).
If a client is silent because they are thinking, well, shut up and let them think.
If a client is silent because they are disengaging from therapy, ask about the disengagement and be prepared to repair a rupture.
Listening between the words
It’s probably pretty obvious to you now why the session with the mom and daughter really struck me. The mom was waiting, which was appropriate if the daughter was thinking. But she wasn’t. She needed support. Her pause was an emotional one.
I’ve also noticed this in couples. A wife will say something to a husband, the husband will begin thinking about what the wife said, and then the wife will start talking again. Or a boyfriend will bring up some issue. The girlfriend will look away and disengage, and the boyfriend will keep talking.
All of these are mismatches in how dyads respond to silences.
This isn't just a tool for the therapy room; it's a key to deeper connection in any relationship. The next time a silence falls with your partner, your child, or a friend, resist the urge to immediately fill it. Instead, ask yourself: What kind of pause is this? Are they thinking, or are they feeling? Are they searching for a word, or are they searching for support?
Because listening, whether to clients or friends, is about helping someone feel deeply deeply understood. Sometimes that means really hearing what their words, and other times that means really hearing the silence between their words.
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I hope this serves you.
Best,
Jordan (the counselor)
Jordan Harris and Paul Peterson are co-founders of Private Practice Incubator, a consulting firm dedicated to:
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Jordan Harris
Jordan Harris, Ph.D., LMFT-S, LPC-S, received his Doctor of Philosophy in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Louisiana Monroe. He is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas, USA. In his clinical work, he enjoys working with couples. He also runs a blog on deliberate practice for therapists and counselors at Jordanthecounselor.com
Paul Peterson
Paul Peterson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in the state of Arkansas. He has certification and/or training in EFT, hypnotherapy, and mindfulness as well as adult psychological development models. He's been in the mental health field since 2015 and in 2019 worked with a team of authors to publish a content analysis in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. The content analysis reviewed almost 1,000 research articles and tracked trends in publishing and clinical effectiveness research. He has also published a book on a Wholeness-oriented approach to contemporary Christian faith. He gives regular training on clinical skills, hypnotherapy, and business skills for solo practice therapists.
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