Before You Say "Narcissist": A Framework for Working with Defensive Men In Therapy
- Jordanthecounselor
- Aug 4
- 8 min read
Updated: Oct 16
The Setup: A Common Impasse I'm Re-examining
In my work with couples, I've noticed a common impasse, and I'm exploring a new way to handle it, particularly because it's a dynamic that often leads to harmful labels. A husband becomes triggered and launches into a tirade. He'll blame his wife ("She's being unfair!"), list grievances, and justify his own behavior. As this happens, his wife becomes increasingly upset, hurt, or withdrawn.
My first instinct, like that of many therapists, has always been to interrupt the husband to control the room and protect his wife. However, I’ve seen this backfire. The husband, feeling cut off, doesn't actually calm down; he just simmers, feeling misunderstood by his wife and by me.
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The Technique: How I'm Learning to Use Active Reflection
Instead of stopping the monologue, I'm experimenting with intercepting it with active reflection. My goal is to demonstrate a profound understanding of the husband's perspective, which is the only thing that will truly de-escalate him.
I listen for the Core Message: I'm training myself to tune out the noise and the repetitive details and listen for the raw, underlying feeling and belief being expressed. It's usually a story of injustice, feeling unseen, or being unloved.
I Reflect While They Talk: The technique requires not waiting for him to run out of steam—because he won't. I have to break in. This isn't an interruption to stop him, but an interjection to show I'm getting it. The reflection needs to be concise and packed with the emotion he is displaying.
Husband: "...and she does this all the time, she never listens to me, it's like I don't even exist, and I'm just supposed to take it, but it's completely unfair..."
Me (interjecting calmly): "So you feel completely invisible to her."
Husband: "Exactly! And yesterday she..."
I Manage the Listening Partner: A crucial part of this is managing his wife. As I do this, she will likely become more triggered, hearing her husband's "unfair" narrative being validated by me.
I hold up a hand gently in her direction, a non-verbal cue that says, "I see you, and your turn is coming. Please wait."
If necessary, I speak to her directly but briefly: "[Wife's Name], I know this is incredibly hard to hear. I promise I am going to give you the same focused attention in a moment. Right now, please hang in there with me."
I Drive Towards the "Emphatic Yes": The aim is to continue distilling and reflecting the husband's experience. I am looking for the moment he stops his rant, looks at me, and gives a sign of feeling completely and totally understood. This is often a deep sigh and an emphatic, "YES. That's it."
Me: "So from your perspective, this isn't just about last night. This feels like a painful pattern that's been happening since the very beginning of your relationship, and you feel totally alone and unheard in it."
Husband: "Yes! Exactly."
After the "Emphatic Yes": Deepening Responsibility
Once the husband feels deeply heard, a critical shift often occurs. Instead of pivoting to his wife, the approach is to stay with him to deepen the work. I'm finding one of two things will typically happen.
Path 1: Spontaneous Ownership
Often, after feeling truly validated, the husband will spontaneously do a "180" and take responsibility for his part in the negative cycle.
Husband: "And you know... really, I know I'm a jerk. It can't be fun for her to be blamed all the time."
In this moment, I see my role as validating this move toward accountability in a way that reinforces it as a positive part of his identity.
Me: "Wow, you're taking ownership of your part. Not every man is willing to do that."
Me: "You really see clearly how your blaming is hurting her. You're showing us you're a person of high integrity right now."
From here, the work continues with him, helping him more fully own his side of the problematic communication pattern with the eventual goal of sharing this newfound awareness with his wife.
Path 2: An Invitation to Ownership
If the husband doesn't spontaneously take ownership, he will often pause and look to me for what's next. This becomes an opening to invite him toward self-reflection using one of two techniques.
Reflect Present Actions: Offer a reflection that connects his underlying vulnerable emotions to his present-moment actions. This is powerful because it describes something actively happening in the room.
Me: "That makes sense. So what you're showing us right now is that when you feel unheard and mistreated (labeling the emotion), you get loud and angry (labeling the present action)."
Highlight the Inherent Paradox: Point out the conflict between what he wants and the strategy he is using to get it, showing how his actions are counterproductive.
Me: "And you really want her to treat you fairly. And the way you are telling her that is by becoming angry."
Both of these techniques are persuasive and non-shaming ways to guide the husband toward examining his own behavior, which often leads him back to the point of taking ownership, as seen in Path 1.
Why This Framework Is Effective: Avoiding Common Therapeutic Traps
This approach is not a magic wand. I'm finding it requires significant skill and the ability to sit in the rising tension as a husband escalates. However, it seems to directly address two common traps in couples work.
Trap 1: Forcing Insight Too Soon
When a husband is blaming his wife, the temptation is to point this out, to try and make him see that his behavior is the cause of his problem. I've seen how this can fail, forcing him to defend his position and become increasingly resistant.
This framework attempts to do the opposite. By deeply validating his experience first, it creates the safety for him to lower his defenses. This ownership that follows is from his own motivation, which is far more powerful and lasting than my correction.
Trap 2: Bypassing the Dynamic for Deeper Emotions
The other common trap is to assume that if we can just get to the underlying pain (e.g., "I feel like a failure"), the couple's dynamic will change.
While understanding these deeper emotions is vital, I believe that I cannot bypass the reality in the room. If the husband believes his wife is a mean-spirited villain, he is not going to share his vulnerable feelings of failure with her. Why would he? This framework breaks that cycle by first addressing the behavior that is blocking all possibility of deeper connection.
When Validation Leads to an Impasse
Sometimes, a husband won't pivot to ownership. Instead, he digs in: "Yes. She's a selfish person, and unless she changes, this won't work."
At first, a moment like this can feel like a failure. But this is not a failure of the technique; it is a successful clarification of the real problem. The technique has revealed the core reason they are stuck: the husband genuinely believes his wife is the sole problem.
With this revealed, my therapeutic target becomes sharp and clear. The work is now about getting alignment on the definition of the problem. If he believes the problem is her, he has a clear set of choices:
Accept the treatment from his wife and stay in the relationship as is.
Choose to leave the relationship.
I will be this direct with him. I will tell him, "I totally hear you say that she's the problem. I know of no way to change her. So for you, I think your options are to stay and accept things as they are, or leave."
I think this is important because I'm not colluding with the husband against the wife, but I'm also not exiting. I'm not saying, "you have to change how you see her or I won't work with you." No I'll help you. And my helping you is addressing the issue head on that you can't actually change her. What else do you want?
The main point is that his belief that she's the problem cannot be bypassed; it must be faced head-on. The Interceptive Reflection technique is invaluable because it brings this stuck belief into focus, giving me a very clear target to address.
Labeling Men as Narcissist Doesn't Help
I wanted to publish this article because I hear some colleagues and see online that a lot of men are labeled as narcissists.
Now, I totally believe that the above dynamics are toxic. Still, most of these men are not narcissists. To be sure, more males are clinical narcissists than females, but in the general population, it’s only about 1%. So from a sheer math standpoint, most of the male partners in heterosexual couples won’t be narcissists.
I think what happens is many therapists are extremely disturbed by these men and how they treat their partners. They also lack the tools to help these men. This leads to these therapists labeling these men as narcissists to lower their own anxiety. After all, if someone is a narcissist, you can say, “It’s them; they don’t want to change,” instead of saying, “I don’t know how to help this person. I feel powerless, and every time I see this couple on my caseload, I feel anxious.”
Just like I don’t want to overlabel women as borderline, I don’t want to overlabel men as narcissists. This label is not only clinically imprecise in most cases, but it's a therapeutic dead end. It flattens a complex human being into a caricature, excuses the therapist from the difficult work of sitting in the tension, and ultimately colludes with the very hopelessness the couple came in to resolve. This framework challenges us to face our own discomfort instead of exiting it by labeling one partner as problematic.
If we explore this space and write about what we’re learning, maybe, instead of labeling, we can help these couples better. Which is why we became therapists in the first place.
Best,
Jordan (the Counselor)
Jordan Harris and Paul Peterson are co-founders of Private Practice Incubator, a consulting firm dedicated to:
Helping clinicians earn more money.
Helping clinicians help more clients.
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Jordan Harris
Jordan Harris, Ph.D., LMFT-S, LPC-S, received his Doctor of Philosophy in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Louisiana Monroe. He is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of Arkansas, USA. In his clinical work, he enjoys working with couples. He also runs a blog on deliberate practice for therapists and counselors at Jordanthecounselor.com
Paul Peterson
Paul Peterson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in the state of Arkansas. He has certification and/or training in EFT, hypnotherapy, and mindfulness as well as adult psychological development models. He's been in the mental health field since 2015 and in 2019 worked with a team of authors to publish a content analysis in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. The content analysis reviewed almost 1,000 research articles and tracked trends in publishing and clinical effectiveness research. He has also published a book on a Wholeness-oriented approach to contemporary Christian faith. He gives regular training on clinical skills, hypnotherapy, and business skills for solo practice therapists.
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